i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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