he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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