I just cut my nipple shaving
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
