i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
