I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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