Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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