i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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