if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
