I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
