Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
