he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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