Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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