you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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