So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
