My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
