Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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