Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
