I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I can text with my tongue
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
