If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
