please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
