OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
