I hate all girls vehemently.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
