mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
