foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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