Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
