Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We were destined to go to rehab together
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
