This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
