someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
