I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
