I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
