she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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