just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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