I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
