census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
are you so shy because you have an std?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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