Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
