I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
