Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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