My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
