I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize