the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
