did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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