He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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