8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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