I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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