One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she told me i tasted like america
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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