the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
