I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Mom said you looked used
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
