if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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