Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
