You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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