At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
