I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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