My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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