She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
