Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
