Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
